Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
