Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
