He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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