i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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