She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
