It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
