He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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