My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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