Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
