My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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