You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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