I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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