My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
