I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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