If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
