Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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