one might say we're banned from that church
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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