my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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