she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
