my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
