and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
