so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
