A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
