I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
