Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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