He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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