i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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