Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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