That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
