I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Randomize
