I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
