Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
