Pappa wants mamma naked
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
