Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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