Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
