no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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