I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
