I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
