What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
