Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize