I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
