remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You can't just leave with hair like that
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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