I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
