The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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