A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
