I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
