and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
