non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
