i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
