Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
