just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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