I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wish life had little blips of pornography
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
