how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
