Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Randomize
