That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
