i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
