I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
dude. I can hear the air.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
