Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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