can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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