I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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