All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
