the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
you inspire me to be a worse person
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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