I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I stole a fireplace last night.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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