Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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