I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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