toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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